Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
