So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
