I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
