I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
