I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
