I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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