so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm too high and old for this...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
