I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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