And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize