i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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