you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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