her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
