I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize