you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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