Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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