got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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