Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
