Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
