Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
there is glitter all over my balls
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