It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My cat gives me a boner
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
