Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize