Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
