At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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