Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
