I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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