mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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