I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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