Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
