my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize