my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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