The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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