got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
