Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
