My sheets look like a crime scene.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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