I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
