i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
