At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
