Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
