There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
