Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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