Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
