Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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