At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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