Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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