It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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