I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I lost the right to judge tonight
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
