I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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