I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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