Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
