On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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