I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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