after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
