the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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