I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
