why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
