you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
