I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
