This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
