there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
