I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
